The great In-law (-lesness)
0 Comments Published by Oh Wayward One on 06 December 2005 at 12/06/2005 06:45:00 pm.
I have a really cool sister-in-law. I keep forgetting about her because I'm not used to having sisters. Plus she/they live in a different country.
I actually have 3 sister-in-laws, who are 18, 15, and 10 (I think)... the thing is, I never had a sister, and it wasn't like I went through life like lots of girls, going "I wish I had a sister". Oh hell no, I wouldn't even have wanted that. My ma and I in the same house was enough estroegen to start WWIII as it was. All I ever wished for, family-wise, was to get cool in-laws (eventually). I got a family of Frisians who don't approve of me and blame me for forcing their baby onto the wayward path of unrighteousness, away from the farm, and into some weird brainwashed world of evil and depravity. All who know me are tired of hearing the story, but to illustrate with an example (and because I've never actually written it down): I learned Dutch for the sole purpose of being able to communicate with my in-laws. I thought it would be important to establish a relationship with them, and I did it. I arrive at in-laws house, and they proceed to consistantly speak Frisian in front of me. Not Dutch. At all times. Yes it is an entirely different language.
Well, I DID get 1 cool sister-in-law.
Her name is Rein0uw and she is 15. She has long, red hair, and she looks like her mom, my M-I-L. There are 6 kids belonging to my in-law family: 3 boys, followed by 3 girls aged 28 - 10. All of them look either like Dad or like Mom. My hubbypoo is the oldest, and looks like Dad. Regardless.
Rein0uw is cool for many reasons. Firstly, there is a family MOLD that only 2 of them have managed to crack as yet: That would be MY baby, and R. What the mold is, is a clan of brick-wall-headed dairy farmers from Friesland (province), set in their ways, and totally anti. Anti EVERYTHING. Espeically that which is new and unexplored. Can I just leave it at the example: they don't like to leave the farm, period. As in, to the point of, "don't like vacations". (LIke I was saying, if he didnt look like his dad, I'd wonder about the sperm donor) This even reaches the extent of the children, where each one goes to college around the corner, studies the same thing (agriculture), and complains about having to leave the farm so often. Dates people from the villiage ONLY, lives to work (not works to live). Independence factor? Zilch. Sense of adventure? Zero. Interest in ANYTHING outside of mommy & daddy's nest? Hell no! Very much apron-string clingers, to boot. ACROSS THE WHOLE AGE SPECTRUM. Well, except for the 2 afore-mentioned outliers.
Rein0uw wants to study to be a psychologist! She only recently told us. I'm so excited. She wants to go to a college in Groningen, which is a whopping TWO HOURS away from home, and a cool college town where she'll see a range of people.... by god there might even be some city folk there! She has no intention of taking over the family farm, she has no desire to be a pig-headed Frisian, she wants to do things. She tries hard at english, in school (rather than labelling it "a waste" and resigning herself to just not being "a language person"), and she wears retro clothing styles and plays keyboards. She and her best friend used to hang out and in their free time, used to put together a little mini-mag/newspaper! They would write stories, cut pictures out of gossip magazines, draw, interview people, and find jokes to insert into the monthly mag. Then they would get people to pay them something like €5.00 for a subscription, which would not only get you a year's worth of their production, but also a free present on your birthday!!! How cool is that?
Well after about a year, the little girly mag faded into the background (our dog Billybob was the "Pet of the Month" one issue...!!), but only recently she's started a new cool project. It's a little pseudo-newsletter for the family. She asks that everybody (Mom Dad, 6 kids and 2 spouses) writes approximately 10 lines, telling about what they're up to this month, and how things are going. Everyone sends their little "piece" to her, and she compiles it into a Word .doc, and sends it off to everyone. She even adds a little preface where she says thanks to everyone for handing them in on time, and kinda wishes everyone well... signed, "The Editor" :) I just love her to bits.
I can't help but think it could have been us Wayward Children, the mancakes and me, who were the catalyst for this. We're not like little Mr. Perfect brother #2 who builds a house next to theirs, ON THE FARM, so they know all about his life, his wife, his farts and his beddy-bye time. It's like not only are we so far from them geographically, but we are just SO FAR AWAY from them in general. I know we're a mystery to them altogether- down to the very metaphysical threads of our souls, we are a complete mystery.
Subsequently, I think most of them have given up on us. (Don't get me started on where this impending move to Botswana comes in on their understand-o-meter) At first there was awkwardness, then confusion, then distance, now just... nothing.
But then there's Rein0uw. She tries. She tries to involve us in the family, even from thousands of miles (geographically and psychologically) away. She hasn't dropped us because we had the audacity to cut mommy's apron strings. She doesn't stop talking to us because we don't want to discuss the milk quota for the month. She hasn't stopped talking to us because she doesn't understand how someone could want to spend €1300.00 on a big bathtub for 2 people. She hasn't considered us damned to hell in jesus's name because we've strayed from the dairy compound. She chats to me on Instant Messanger in english...
Basically, R. gets a gold star in my book because 1) she dearly loves her big brother; 2) she's interested in his life, wife, and unique outlook on the world compared to the ONLY one she was ever exposed to; 3) she wants to someday go AWAY from the family home of literally, 3 generations; 4) she's so creative & unique. 5) she started that little family-update project, which I interpret as her being altruistic, positive rather than pessimistic, and the little bridge between the "us" and the "them". And I do appreciate that.
I feel a lot of love for the little chick, but at the same time a lot of guilt. I wish I could have something with her, but I am just not good at the in-law thing. I am lazy and I don't write. I don't try to up my dutch to the next level so that I can express emotions and feelings better. I associate HER with THEM and there's still a deep-seeded resentment there on my part. Hell, like I said before, I sometimes forget that you're supposed to keep in contact with your in-laws. I forget I have sisters-in-law. We forget their birthdays (ironically enough, it's the youngest's b-day today... what are the odds!) and we don't send presents. Not because we're trying to be assholes or anything, we just - forget - or just don't get around to it. Meaning we bring something for everyone's missed b-days at the same time, when we make our trips over there in person. I really don't do the whole family-"tight" thing very well. (No wonder the clan hates me. ) I'm just so lucky I married someone who doesn't demand it.
I may not be 100% chuffed with my parents as the are, but they gave me the gift of independence and I appreciate that. In fact, they can piss me off for the rest of their earthly days, which they will, but I gotta say they encouraged me to get out there and find myself, and I did. The benefit? I didn't turn out like my clanish in-laws, and MY parents don't give my husband a hard time. THere is no resentment of him, no blame on him, no matter where our life takes us (geographically or psychologically), and they're happy with who we became, though it's NOTHING like them. Basically, there was no MOLD, and maybe they wanted there to be one (don't all parents? His parents really don't WANT independence for their kids). I dont know, but there's not a mold. And I'm really glad about that. I wonder how R. broke hers? I love that kid, I just hope she keeps going in this direction. I wish I could help her do that, if I could, if she'd appreciate it. But again we're back to the fact that: I'm a BAD sister-in-law.
I actually have 3 sister-in-laws, who are 18, 15, and 10 (I think)... the thing is, I never had a sister, and it wasn't like I went through life like lots of girls, going "I wish I had a sister". Oh hell no, I wouldn't even have wanted that. My ma and I in the same house was enough estroegen to start WWIII as it was. All I ever wished for, family-wise, was to get cool in-laws (eventually). I got a family of Frisians who don't approve of me and blame me for forcing their baby onto the wayward path of unrighteousness, away from the farm, and into some weird brainwashed world of evil and depravity. All who know me are tired of hearing the story, but to illustrate with an example (and because I've never actually written it down): I learned Dutch for the sole purpose of being able to communicate with my in-laws. I thought it would be important to establish a relationship with them, and I did it. I arrive at in-laws house, and they proceed to consistantly speak Frisian in front of me. Not Dutch. At all times. Yes it is an entirely different language.
Well, I DID get 1 cool sister-in-law.
Her name is Rein0uw and she is 15. She has long, red hair, and she looks like her mom, my M-I-L. There are 6 kids belonging to my in-law family: 3 boys, followed by 3 girls aged 28 - 10. All of them look either like Dad or like Mom. My hubbypoo is the oldest, and looks like Dad. Regardless.
Rein0uw is cool for many reasons. Firstly, there is a family MOLD that only 2 of them have managed to crack as yet: That would be MY baby, and R. What the mold is, is a clan of brick-wall-headed dairy farmers from Friesland (province), set in their ways, and totally anti. Anti EVERYTHING. Espeically that which is new and unexplored. Can I just leave it at the example: they don't like to leave the farm, period. As in, to the point of, "don't like vacations". (LIke I was saying, if he didnt look like his dad, I'd wonder about the sperm donor) This even reaches the extent of the children, where each one goes to college around the corner, studies the same thing (agriculture), and complains about having to leave the farm so often. Dates people from the villiage ONLY, lives to work (not works to live). Independence factor? Zilch. Sense of adventure? Zero. Interest in ANYTHING outside of mommy & daddy's nest? Hell no! Very much apron-string clingers, to boot. ACROSS THE WHOLE AGE SPECTRUM. Well, except for the 2 afore-mentioned outliers.
Rein0uw wants to study to be a psychologist! She only recently told us. I'm so excited. She wants to go to a college in Groningen, which is a whopping TWO HOURS away from home, and a cool college town where she'll see a range of people.... by god there might even be some city folk there! She has no intention of taking over the family farm, she has no desire to be a pig-headed Frisian, she wants to do things. She tries hard at english, in school (rather than labelling it "a waste" and resigning herself to just not being "a language person"), and she wears retro clothing styles and plays keyboards. She and her best friend used to hang out and in their free time, used to put together a little mini-mag/newspaper! They would write stories, cut pictures out of gossip magazines, draw, interview people, and find jokes to insert into the monthly mag. Then they would get people to pay them something like €5.00 for a subscription, which would not only get you a year's worth of their production, but also a free present on your birthday!!! How cool is that?
Well after about a year, the little girly mag faded into the background (our dog Billybob was the "Pet of the Month" one issue...!!), but only recently she's started a new cool project. It's a little pseudo-newsletter for the family. She asks that everybody (Mom Dad, 6 kids and 2 spouses) writes approximately 10 lines, telling about what they're up to this month, and how things are going. Everyone sends their little "piece" to her, and she compiles it into a Word .doc, and sends it off to everyone. She even adds a little preface where she says thanks to everyone for handing them in on time, and kinda wishes everyone well... signed, "The Editor" :) I just love her to bits.
I can't help but think it could have been us Wayward Children, the mancakes and me, who were the catalyst for this. We're not like little Mr. Perfect brother #2 who builds a house next to theirs, ON THE FARM, so they know all about his life, his wife, his farts and his beddy-bye time. It's like not only are we so far from them geographically, but we are just SO FAR AWAY from them in general. I know we're a mystery to them altogether- down to the very metaphysical threads of our souls, we are a complete mystery.
Subsequently, I think most of them have given up on us. (Don't get me started on where this impending move to Botswana comes in on their understand-o-meter) At first there was awkwardness, then confusion, then distance, now just... nothing.
But then there's Rein0uw. She tries. She tries to involve us in the family, even from thousands of miles (geographically and psychologically) away. She hasn't dropped us because we had the audacity to cut mommy's apron strings. She doesn't stop talking to us because we don't want to discuss the milk quota for the month. She hasn't stopped talking to us because she doesn't understand how someone could want to spend €1300.00 on a big bathtub for 2 people. She hasn't considered us damned to hell in jesus's name because we've strayed from the dairy compound. She chats to me on Instant Messanger in english...
Basically, R. gets a gold star in my book because 1) she dearly loves her big brother; 2) she's interested in his life, wife, and unique outlook on the world compared to the ONLY one she was ever exposed to; 3) she wants to someday go AWAY from the family home of literally, 3 generations; 4) she's so creative & unique. 5) she started that little family-update project, which I interpret as her being altruistic, positive rather than pessimistic, and the little bridge between the "us" and the "them". And I do appreciate that.
I feel a lot of love for the little chick, but at the same time a lot of guilt. I wish I could have something with her, but I am just not good at the in-law thing. I am lazy and I don't write. I don't try to up my dutch to the next level so that I can express emotions and feelings better. I associate HER with THEM and there's still a deep-seeded resentment there on my part. Hell, like I said before, I sometimes forget that you're supposed to keep in contact with your in-laws. I forget I have sisters-in-law. We forget their birthdays (ironically enough, it's the youngest's b-day today... what are the odds!) and we don't send presents. Not because we're trying to be assholes or anything, we just - forget - or just don't get around to it. Meaning we bring something for everyone's missed b-days at the same time, when we make our trips over there in person. I really don't do the whole family-"tight" thing very well. (No wonder the clan hates me. ) I'm just so lucky I married someone who doesn't demand it.
I may not be 100% chuffed with my parents as the are, but they gave me the gift of independence and I appreciate that. In fact, they can piss me off for the rest of their earthly days, which they will, but I gotta say they encouraged me to get out there and find myself, and I did. The benefit? I didn't turn out like my clanish in-laws, and MY parents don't give my husband a hard time. THere is no resentment of him, no blame on him, no matter where our life takes us (geographically or psychologically), and they're happy with who we became, though it's NOTHING like them. Basically, there was no MOLD, and maybe they wanted there to be one (don't all parents? His parents really don't WANT independence for their kids). I dont know, but there's not a mold. And I'm really glad about that. I wonder how R. broke hers? I love that kid, I just hope she keeps going in this direction. I wish I could help her do that, if I could, if she'd appreciate it. But again we're back to the fact that: I'm a BAD sister-in-law.
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