What? This was written 2 weeks ago!?!?
0 Comments Published by Oh Wayward One on 25 January 2011 at 1/25/2011 09:46:00 am.
NB: OK in my defense - this was written 2 weeks ago and somehow it didn't get published when I clicked publish... and now only half of it is in my Drafts folder? WTF?!
oh well, so here's half of my musings from 2 weeks ago...
----
Meaningful take 2.
Right, so this is still hard for me. I have noticed over the last week that my main problem is thinking something, anything, every tiny little thing that even pokes it's head into my mind in terms of potential "meaningful stuff", just gets shot down by my brain. "Nah, that's just a sorta whatever-fine-okay thing." And I find myself waiting around for some other idea to surface that would be post-worthy.
...which is just stupid, because obviously if something was valuable enough to pop into that corner of my mind in the first place, it's got to have meaning and quality and worth and some sort of power that I'm not acknowledging. Which is worth further investigation and will most probably result in the realization that I'm not paying such small blessings or people or whatevers in my life their due. Which is kind of the point of this little exercise.
So I need to practice more, or something.
But anyway, let's go with one of those exact little "things" that happened last week (or before?) exactly the way I just described it: I got an email from someone that registered in my head and my heart and made me really FEEL something for a moment there, and of course now being on board with this new blog project of mine I was tempted to say "yeah, hey, that is definitely meaningful" but then the cynic in me got the better of that thought and it was dumbed down through no fault of its own by a bunch of "yeah but..."s.
So the email was from my little brother-from-another-mother (little BFAM?) Uncle A. He's been in India with his new girlfriend (an american medical student that he met in Malawi on his travels northward a couple months ago and subsequently spent 2 weeks with and fell in love with and made a plan to meet up in India for 3 weeks with last month.... but that's a whole 'nother story). He wrote a classic little BFAM email to me inculsive of a whole 9 sentences or something - cuz that's how he rolls - but in it he wrote about his heart ache of leaving the new girl behind, how much he misses her, and how he would even entertain the thought of uprooting and moving for her. Then, in the same email he made remorseful mention of how he feels sad about missing (of all things... can hardly believe this one...) wait for it... it's unbelievable....
... LJJ and the growing up period she's in the midst of right now, since he's been gone so long!? I was flabbergasted. Seriously? Let's just say I NEVER expected that. Not in a million billion years. EVER. This is the guy who Foreigner pre-emptively wrote "(You're as) Cold As Ice" for, in 1977... oddly enough, 7 years before his birth!
Ok, so where was the meaningful in this story?
Uhhhh, only on so many freakin levels!!!!
Firstly, the honesty. I crave honesty in my relationships and it's probably the number 1 value I hold dear when it comes to the people in my life that I really value. Honesty allows you trust, give in, be vulnerable, believe in that relationship because the other person is saying "look, I'm picking you as someone who's worth the truth, no matter how it makes me look. It inspires you to be more honest with the other person, which is a buttload of added value to the relationship itself. And most of all it purifies all the ju-ju that circulates between people in any relationship. And, let's face it. I kind of crave this in a little BFAM. My own worthless waste-of-time relationship with my own bio-sib is one big cess pool of anti-quality, mainly related to the fact that he is a two-faced liar who would sell me down the river to anyone he meets as well as betray with the drop of a downbeat. Not to mention happily foster a 1-way relationship in which he quite happily collects all the attention made available to him like freakin' trinkets, and then lies unblinkingly to the faces of those offering that which he collects. Family members, significant others, friends, anyone. Everyone's fair game. What that does, is creates a situation where I can't be honest to him and I become cold and stonewall-y all together. And stonewalling people is just another type of dishonesty - you're hiding stuff, you're putting forth a false face/personality, and you just rot under the lies and stinking bad mojo.
The honesty part of this story is about the fact that this little BFAM of mine is one tough cookie, emotionally. One of these guys who honestly believes that vulnerability is a terminal cancer that will bring you down. Someone who puts forward a tough exterior and uses (as I've learned over the last 6 years) cynnicism and insults and negativity to compromise for the fact that there's something missing. As I've recounted before, having been at the receiving end. But this is PROOF! that when he has love in his life, he actually has a heart of gold (I'm going to go with that, even though I've been burned before by him, the last time there was a gf and I thought... well, anyway). So for him to actually open up and say this sort of stuff, it really kind of bumps our spookily-frighteningly-sibling-like relationship up a notch on the meaningful pole. It's like a bit of confirmation that I'm NOT dreaming when I think that our *thing* is more than just a superficial friendship. It's evidence that specialness exists and all the shyte that we've been through together (inter-continental moves, breakups, dead dogs, desert breakdowns, family nonsense, etc etc) actually built something and created a platform in the friendship on which honesty is practiced.
Secondly, the love part. This is meaningful to me because seeing him being in love and knowing what it feels like... to love somebody... (yeah, that's right, the BeeGees wrote that song pre-emptively about him too! Amazingly enough this time a whole 17 years before his birth...) but I digress. It means that he's got a new facet to his life, a new depth, a new perception that he never had before which opens up a whole world of difference in how he's going to enjoy life from now on, regardless of if the relationship works/lasts or not. (these are such big-sib feelings here) Not only is it going to make him happy, it means that it'll give him perception.... all those times he balked at the idea of people being soul mates. All those times he rolled his eyes when me or The Mr. would mention that we believe in it. That kinda stuff.
Thirdly, the "I regret that I'm missing all this growing-up stuff" re: LJJ part. Sure, everyone wants to feel like their friends like their kid. But this really gives a whole 'nother dimension to the "Uncle A." moniker that we've given him from the get go. Again, in contrast to my biological sibling who has shown all of .00009% interest in his neice, this part goes a long way. It means a lot to me to know that there is some sort of emotion there, a genuine interest, some caring going on. Not in just the standard "how's the kid" question that everybody and their dog can ask without even listening to the answer (yes, I now know parents CAN actually get fatigue in the "let me tell you ALLL ABOUT MY KID" department, especially when it's usually just a disinterested rhetorical question), but in that "I feel like I have a relationship with her" manner. I never saw that one coming, not a mile away. Wow.
----
Anyhoo, that's all that was left in the Drafts folder. I think there was a "Fourthly" section, but I can't remember anymore. damn blogger.
oh well, so here's half of my musings from 2 weeks ago...
----
Meaningful take 2.
Right, so this is still hard for me. I have noticed over the last week that my main problem is thinking something, anything, every tiny little thing that even pokes it's head into my mind in terms of potential "meaningful stuff", just gets shot down by my brain. "Nah, that's just a sorta whatever-fine-okay thing." And I find myself waiting around for some other idea to surface that would be post-worthy.
...which is just stupid, because obviously if something was valuable enough to pop into that corner of my mind in the first place, it's got to have meaning and quality and worth and some sort of power that I'm not acknowledging. Which is worth further investigation and will most probably result in the realization that I'm not paying such small blessings or people or whatevers in my life their due. Which is kind of the point of this little exercise.
So I need to practice more, or something.
But anyway, let's go with one of those exact little "things" that happened last week (or before?) exactly the way I just described it: I got an email from someone that registered in my head and my heart and made me really FEEL something for a moment there, and of course now being on board with this new blog project of mine I was tempted to say "yeah, hey, that is definitely meaningful" but then the cynic in me got the better of that thought and it was dumbed down through no fault of its own by a bunch of "yeah but..."s.
So the email was from my little brother-from-another-mother (little BFAM?) Uncle A. He's been in India with his new girlfriend (an american medical student that he met in Malawi on his travels northward a couple months ago and subsequently spent 2 weeks with and fell in love with and made a plan to meet up in India for 3 weeks with last month.... but that's a whole 'nother story). He wrote a classic little BFAM email to me inculsive of a whole 9 sentences or something - cuz that's how he rolls - but in it he wrote about his heart ache of leaving the new girl behind, how much he misses her, and how he would even entertain the thought of uprooting and moving for her. Then, in the same email he made remorseful mention of how he feels sad about missing (of all things... can hardly believe this one...) wait for it... it's unbelievable....
... LJJ and the growing up period she's in the midst of right now, since he's been gone so long!? I was flabbergasted. Seriously? Let's just say I NEVER expected that. Not in a million billion years. EVER. This is the guy who Foreigner pre-emptively wrote "(You're as) Cold As Ice" for, in 1977... oddly enough, 7 years before his birth!
Ok, so where was the meaningful in this story?
Uhhhh, only on so many freakin levels!!!!
Firstly, the honesty. I crave honesty in my relationships and it's probably the number 1 value I hold dear when it comes to the people in my life that I really value. Honesty allows you trust, give in, be vulnerable, believe in that relationship because the other person is saying "look, I'm picking you as someone who's worth the truth, no matter how it makes me look. It inspires you to be more honest with the other person, which is a buttload of added value to the relationship itself. And most of all it purifies all the ju-ju that circulates between people in any relationship. And, let's face it. I kind of crave this in a little BFAM. My own worthless waste-of-time relationship with my own bio-sib is one big cess pool of anti-quality, mainly related to the fact that he is a two-faced liar who would sell me down the river to anyone he meets as well as betray with the drop of a downbeat. Not to mention happily foster a 1-way relationship in which he quite happily collects all the attention made available to him like freakin' trinkets, and then lies unblinkingly to the faces of those offering that which he collects. Family members, significant others, friends, anyone. Everyone's fair game. What that does, is creates a situation where I can't be honest to him and I become cold and stonewall-y all together. And stonewalling people is just another type of dishonesty - you're hiding stuff, you're putting forth a false face/personality, and you just rot under the lies and stinking bad mojo.
The honesty part of this story is about the fact that this little BFAM of mine is one tough cookie, emotionally. One of these guys who honestly believes that vulnerability is a terminal cancer that will bring you down. Someone who puts forward a tough exterior and uses (as I've learned over the last 6 years) cynnicism and insults and negativity to compromise for the fact that there's something missing. As I've recounted before, having been at the receiving end. But this is PROOF! that when he has love in his life, he actually has a heart of gold (I'm going to go with that, even though I've been burned before by him, the last time there was a gf and I thought... well, anyway). So for him to actually open up and say this sort of stuff, it really kind of bumps our spookily-frighteningly-sibling-like relationship up a notch on the meaningful pole. It's like a bit of confirmation that I'm NOT dreaming when I think that our *thing* is more than just a superficial friendship. It's evidence that specialness exists and all the shyte that we've been through together (inter-continental moves, breakups, dead dogs, desert breakdowns, family nonsense, etc etc) actually built something and created a platform in the friendship on which honesty is practiced.
Secondly, the love part. This is meaningful to me because seeing him being in love and knowing what it feels like... to love somebody... (yeah, that's right, the BeeGees wrote that song pre-emptively about him too! Amazingly enough this time a whole 17 years before his birth...) but I digress. It means that he's got a new facet to his life, a new depth, a new perception that he never had before which opens up a whole world of difference in how he's going to enjoy life from now on, regardless of if the relationship works/lasts or not. (these are such big-sib feelings here) Not only is it going to make him happy, it means that it'll give him perception.... all those times he balked at the idea of people being soul mates. All those times he rolled his eyes when me or The Mr. would mention that we believe in it. That kinda stuff.
Thirdly, the "I regret that I'm missing all this growing-up stuff" re: LJJ part. Sure, everyone wants to feel like their friends like their kid. But this really gives a whole 'nother dimension to the "Uncle A." moniker that we've given him from the get go. Again, in contrast to my biological sibling who has shown all of .00009% interest in his neice, this part goes a long way. It means a lot to me to know that there is some sort of emotion there, a genuine interest, some caring going on. Not in just the standard "how's the kid" question that everybody and their dog can ask without even listening to the answer (yes, I now know parents CAN actually get fatigue in the "let me tell you ALLL ABOUT MY KID" department, especially when it's usually just a disinterested rhetorical question), but in that "I feel like I have a relationship with her" manner. I never saw that one coming, not a mile away. Wow.
----
Anyhoo, that's all that was left in the Drafts folder. I think there was a "Fourthly" section, but I can't remember anymore. damn blogger.
Labels: Meaningful, mis amigos
A Year & a Half of Flex
0 Comments Published by Oh Wayward One on 18 January 2011 at 1/18/2011 11:31:00 am.
And here we go with the meaningful....
Having the opportunity to work from home every other day over the last year and a half.
OK, so this new blogging strategy to write about only meaningful things this year was difficult to kick-start. Ever since I made the decision to do it, I find myself thinking all day each day "so what exactly is going to be worthy of "meaningful entry No. 1"? Is it this? Is it that? Is this good enough? Is that really what I meant by the word 'meaningful'?" It was hard.
Then I realized this week that Thursday we will be casting the Kiddo off into the great abyss of nursery school for the first time, thereby ending a blissful period of our lives that extended from August 2009 - January 2011. The emotion that I felt when I realized this was going to well and truly be *over* is what made me realize that it has really been a meaningful time of my life. And thus, I write about it:
When i usually think about my job, it makes me feel really lame and uninspired. That's largely because although I like my chosen carreer, it has unfortunately resulted in a generally desk-oriented job that involves lots of report writing and management and other non-interesting day to day blaaaah-dom. However, there is a huge difference between drawing one's lot as an environmental consultant, and drawing one's lot as a BUSINESS OWNER. The former does have its drawbacks, but the latter does have serious perks, which I need to be more appreciative of on a day-to-day basis. Such as making up your own vacation time rules. And setting your own hours. And as is the case in this post... giving yourself the luxury of alternating work-from-home days with your spouse, so you can watch your baby become a toddler.
Don't get me wrong, I think I would slide into a deep depression if I ever becamse a stay-at-home-mom. But the 50/50 split with work and with the husbanator has been a godsend. I still feel like I live in the adult world, but at the same time 2 or 3 days a week I get to take a break from whatever I'm working on and read a book with the LJJ or teach her a new word or sign or how to use the potty, etc. As opposed to just.... keep working...
It's been a benefit to all of us. I get to enjoy studying the way my kid works/behaves/plays and thus feel like I know her better. The Mr. gets to do the same, thus not feeling the typical out-of-balance mom/dad knowledge of exactly what makes the little person tick. LJJ gets to form the exact same bonds with both of us such that she gets the exact same amount of 1-on-1 time with her ma and pa. For example, on any given day, she doesn't KNOW for sure if she's going to get woken up in the morning and get fed breakfast by one of us or the other. It's all surprise potluck from day to day. And she knows she has to behave the same way for both of us because there's no "fun time daddy" or "hard ass mommy" role in her life who comes in at 6pm and takes off again in the morning.... since she has to live with both of us on her back every day. It has also taught her how to be independant and a good self-entertainer and non-clingy (for the most part) since while we're working at home, we still actually have to GET THE WORK DONE, and sometimes yeah, she's left to hang out wither herself or the dogs for a couple hours at a time. I think it's made her a better person, more patient, and value her real quality time with us even more. Honestly the only downside to the arrangement that I could really come up with, in writing and thinking about this, is the fact that I do often miss being in the office with The Mr., together. But that will be back in my life soon enough.
In the meantime I'm just taking the time to be grateful for this one thing that my "boring old stupid job" has given me over the last year and a half. OK, not every day is parent & child bliss... she still cuts teeth and has bad days and drives us insane on those days when she just can't cope and we just have to get some bloody work/study/business done. But largely the whole experience has been special and has meant a lot to me in terms of teaching & enforcing the life skills we as parents have been able to give the kid. For instance, it really helped during the days we were going through sleep training & schedule setting, it really made all the difference while we were teaching her how to sign for the things she wanted to say as a baby, it let us do the things that just leaving her with the maids (our other options) wouldn't have agreed with due to cultural differences and therefore never would've put time into (like teaching her how to cuddle & kiss the dogs... actually eating dirt and rocks to find out they don't actually taste good, understanding that IT'S NOT ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU and how to wait for things rather than scream for them, you don't get picked up every time you cry.... etc.) it allowed us to have consistancy and perservere on another of the endless "projects" we wanted to carry out during her first year(s).
So anyway, now that it's coming to an end (ok granted she'll only be away for 1/2 days for the first couple years, so we'll still have afternoons together, albeit largely nap-dominated afternoons at the beginning, I suspect) I thought I would pay homage to this opportunity that I was afforded, and acknowledge that it was very meaningful to me. And I know The Mr. feels the same way, and hopefully someday LJJ will also realize it contributed at least a little something to the kid she becomes. But mostly what it MEANS is that is that I have had a really nice experience doing this since mid-2009, that I am a better person/parent for it & ultimately I have been very lucky to have been able to do it like this.
Having the opportunity to work from home every other day over the last year and a half.
OK, so this new blogging strategy to write about only meaningful things this year was difficult to kick-start. Ever since I made the decision to do it, I find myself thinking all day each day "so what exactly is going to be worthy of "meaningful entry No. 1"? Is it this? Is it that? Is this good enough? Is that really what I meant by the word 'meaningful'?" It was hard.
Then I realized this week that Thursday we will be casting the Kiddo off into the great abyss of nursery school for the first time, thereby ending a blissful period of our lives that extended from August 2009 - January 2011. The emotion that I felt when I realized this was going to well and truly be *over* is what made me realize that it has really been a meaningful time of my life. And thus, I write about it:
When i usually think about my job, it makes me feel really lame and uninspired. That's largely because although I like my chosen carreer, it has unfortunately resulted in a generally desk-oriented job that involves lots of report writing and management and other non-interesting day to day blaaaah-dom. However, there is a huge difference between drawing one's lot as an environmental consultant, and drawing one's lot as a BUSINESS OWNER. The former does have its drawbacks, but the latter does have serious perks, which I need to be more appreciative of on a day-to-day basis. Such as making up your own vacation time rules. And setting your own hours. And as is the case in this post... giving yourself the luxury of alternating work-from-home days with your spouse, so you can watch your baby become a toddler.
Don't get me wrong, I think I would slide into a deep depression if I ever becamse a stay-at-home-mom. But the 50/50 split with work and with the husbanator has been a godsend. I still feel like I live in the adult world, but at the same time 2 or 3 days a week I get to take a break from whatever I'm working on and read a book with the LJJ or teach her a new word or sign or how to use the potty, etc. As opposed to just.... keep working...
It's been a benefit to all of us. I get to enjoy studying the way my kid works/behaves/plays and thus feel like I know her better. The Mr. gets to do the same, thus not feeling the typical out-of-balance mom/dad knowledge of exactly what makes the little person tick. LJJ gets to form the exact same bonds with both of us such that she gets the exact same amount of 1-on-1 time with her ma and pa. For example, on any given day, she doesn't KNOW for sure if she's going to get woken up in the morning and get fed breakfast by one of us or the other. It's all surprise potluck from day to day. And she knows she has to behave the same way for both of us because there's no "fun time daddy" or "hard ass mommy" role in her life who comes in at 6pm and takes off again in the morning.... since she has to live with both of us on her back every day. It has also taught her how to be independant and a good self-entertainer and non-clingy (for the most part) since while we're working at home, we still actually have to GET THE WORK DONE, and sometimes yeah, she's left to hang out wither herself or the dogs for a couple hours at a time. I think it's made her a better person, more patient, and value her real quality time with us even more. Honestly the only downside to the arrangement that I could really come up with, in writing and thinking about this, is the fact that I do often miss being in the office with The Mr., together. But that will be back in my life soon enough.
In the meantime I'm just taking the time to be grateful for this one thing that my "boring old stupid job" has given me over the last year and a half. OK, not every day is parent & child bliss... she still cuts teeth and has bad days and drives us insane on those days when she just can't cope and we just have to get some bloody work/study/business done. But largely the whole experience has been special and has meant a lot to me in terms of teaching & enforcing the life skills we as parents have been able to give the kid. For instance, it really helped during the days we were going through sleep training & schedule setting, it really made all the difference while we were teaching her how to sign for the things she wanted to say as a baby, it let us do the things that just leaving her with the maids (our other options) wouldn't have agreed with due to cultural differences and therefore never would've put time into (like teaching her how to cuddle & kiss the dogs... actually eating dirt and rocks to find out they don't actually taste good, understanding that IT'S NOT ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU and how to wait for things rather than scream for them, you don't get picked up every time you cry.... etc.) it allowed us to have consistancy and perservere on another of the endless "projects" we wanted to carry out during her first year(s).
So anyway, now that it's coming to an end (ok granted she'll only be away for 1/2 days for the first couple years, so we'll still have afternoons together, albeit largely nap-dominated afternoons at the beginning, I suspect) I thought I would pay homage to this opportunity that I was afforded, and acknowledge that it was very meaningful to me. And I know The Mr. feels the same way, and hopefully someday LJJ will also realize it contributed at least a little something to the kid she becomes. But mostly what it MEANS is that is that I have had a really nice experience doing this since mid-2009, that I am a better person/parent for it & ultimately I have been very lucky to have been able to do it like this.
Labels: Meaningful, The Kid Files
Little Bits and Little Pieces
0 Comments Published by Oh Wayward One on 12 January 2011 at 1/12/2011 11:36:00 am.
I'm thinking of doing something different with this blog this year, since my life has nothing incredibly meaningful in it so far as I can tell that I'm going to be operating on in 2011, intensely.
I am clearly having a hard time accepting the new year and using it for positive progress as I did last year. Not quite sure why, just don't have the same up & at 'em mojo that I did a year ago today. Perhaps it's my notorious personality trait of laziness creeping in, and tendency to rest on laurals ('cause they be sooooo damn soft and comfy.... mmmm.... laurels are perfect for naps.... zzzzzz....)
BUT ANYHOO!
Rather than saying that I just "don't care anymore" or "resolve not to care", as I worded it to Brandon yesterday (and then recoiled at how defeatist that sounded) for the year 2011, I've thought of two all-encompassing projects that will hopefully help cultivate the motivation I need on the long and 365'y journey through 2011. I mean, the success of setting do-able intentions from last year is still really fresh in my mind, and honestly I have been impressed with myself in terms of how I actually made the whole year work around those intentions and saw the fruits of the labour at the end of the year. So I don't want to just do NOTHING, even though my listlessness and anti-gumption forces are functioning overtime.
Project 1: Bits and Pieces. If I learned anything from last year it's that lifetyle change is an everyday thing. Hence the pushups. You can't skip a day, or otherwise it's just a luke-warm, vanilla, sorta, half-assed, whenever- I- feel- like- it- but- not- really,- nagging- voice- in- the- background,- I'm- spoiled- and- undiciplined- and- don't- REALLY- buy- into- this- but- I'm- gonna- phone- it- in- INTERMITTENT kinda thing. As Pirsig said in Z&tAoMM "Intermittents become gumption traps when they fool you into thinking you've really got the machine fixed"!!!! Which is why I resolve, for the elements that I want to improve on (which I mentioned in the last post or wherever) I'm resolving to do "at least one serving per day", for the whole 365. This basically includes the two selected departments of....... wait for it........
music and romance. Granted, when I travel, the whole banjo/piano/viola thing ain't gonna be possible, which is why on those particular days that I find myself without one of the toys, I resolve to listen to whatever it is that I am working on (or at least the same genere) on the ipod, and focus/concentrate/suzuki myself into getting value-added inspiration/technique, for when my fingers can get back to doing the walking. But otherwise, it's cold, hard, finger-contact every day. Even if that little bit is 5 minutes on the side of my bed before the eyelids come crashing down at night. Every day.
In the romance department, that's going to have to be one particular The Mr.-focussed SOMETHING that matters. I'm not talking about "I kissed him goodbye twice instead of once". I'm kind of still a little fuzzy in terms of what constitutes "value for effort" regarding the parameters of this one (affection? words? deeds? bow-chicka-wow-wow?) but the best guideline I can come up with so far is something like "it has to be something that I would otherwise not have done last year for no good reason" or something to that extent.
Project 2: Overhauling this thing. Let's face it, journal-blogging is getting kinda lame and repetitive after (how many>?) years and even *I* hardly get any enjoyment out of reading long-winded "here's what I did on the weekend" self-focussed reports of boring old me and how lame I think my job is or whatever other complaints are on the menu at the time. So I'm going to try something new.... hell if it doesnt work out it's not like I'm carving these words in rock.... and hopefully this strategy will find me the positive energy I'm looking for. WHICH is why I'm going to make this 2011 blog all about......
...."meaningful"!!! My old "disclaimer" at the top of the blog was focussed on how I write nothing of value (which I didn't really) and a lot of crap. So I'm going to do the opposite this year then, for lack of anything else interesting to supply other than yet another year full of "this is what I did today and here's how many beverages I consumed over the weekend". Really, who cares, and what insight am I going to get out of another year of that stuff ("yeah, ok, I get it, you liked to throw dinner parties when you were in your early 30s!!") when I'm 70 years old and getting my onset of dementia. (Which is why I do this anyway) So! I'm going to write each post about one thing MEANINGFUL that happened to me/is happening/etc that day or week or hell I don't have a regular blogging interval so who can say. It's kind of a throwback to one of the main themes of my favorite book of all time (Zen & the A.o.M.M.) about QUALITY, and what "quality" really means/does/looks like, etc. In fact, in relation to my lack of gumption here on this early side of 2011, Pirsig says (in Z&tAoMM) "what happens to someone who connects with Quality.... He gets filled with gumption"!! Not a small topic in itself... But anyway, if the things that are going on in my life are truly meaningful at the time of blogging, then that is what will make print, one at a time so as to truly concentrate *in words* on that one thing that I choose, and pay truely genuine homage to that one particular thing and nothing else - no rubbish and clutter. Just 1) what it is 2) why it deserves the label "Meaningful". Focus on one little good thing and then use words to realize that it is amazing in it's own right. Surely, I think, SURELY I can come up with ONE. MEANINGFUL. THING for each post.....?!?!
And then at the end of each, if there's anything amazingly otherwise-print-worthy, bullet points will be invited. Like Project 1 updates to be saved for posterity or something.
So there. My attempt at salvaging the rest of January (and 2011) from the post-holiday duldrums and poo-poo.
I am clearly having a hard time accepting the new year and using it for positive progress as I did last year. Not quite sure why, just don't have the same up & at 'em mojo that I did a year ago today. Perhaps it's my notorious personality trait of laziness creeping in, and tendency to rest on laurals ('cause they be sooooo damn soft and comfy.... mmmm.... laurels are perfect for naps.... zzzzzz....)
BUT ANYHOO!
Rather than saying that I just "don't care anymore" or "resolve not to care", as I worded it to Brandon yesterday (and then recoiled at how defeatist that sounded) for the year 2011, I've thought of two all-encompassing projects that will hopefully help cultivate the motivation I need on the long and 365'y journey through 2011. I mean, the success of setting do-able intentions from last year is still really fresh in my mind, and honestly I have been impressed with myself in terms of how I actually made the whole year work around those intentions and saw the fruits of the labour at the end of the year. So I don't want to just do NOTHING, even though my listlessness and anti-gumption forces are functioning overtime.
Project 1: Bits and Pieces. If I learned anything from last year it's that lifetyle change is an everyday thing. Hence the pushups. You can't skip a day, or otherwise it's just a luke-warm, vanilla, sorta, half-assed, whenever- I- feel- like- it- but- not- really,- nagging- voice- in- the- background,- I'm- spoiled- and- undiciplined- and- don't- REALLY- buy- into- this- but- I'm- gonna- phone- it- in- INTERMITTENT kinda thing. As Pirsig said in Z&tAoMM "Intermittents become gumption traps when they fool you into thinking you've really got the machine fixed"!!!! Which is why I resolve, for the elements that I want to improve on (which I mentioned in the last post or wherever) I'm resolving to do "at least one serving per day", for the whole 365. This basically includes the two selected departments of....... wait for it........
music and romance. Granted, when I travel, the whole banjo/piano/viola thing ain't gonna be possible, which is why on those particular days that I find myself without one of the toys, I resolve to listen to whatever it is that I am working on (or at least the same genere) on the ipod, and focus/concentrate/suzuki myself into getting value-added inspiration/technique, for when my fingers can get back to doing the walking. But otherwise, it's cold, hard, finger-contact every day. Even if that little bit is 5 minutes on the side of my bed before the eyelids come crashing down at night. Every day.
In the romance department, that's going to have to be one particular The Mr.-focussed SOMETHING that matters. I'm not talking about "I kissed him goodbye twice instead of once". I'm kind of still a little fuzzy in terms of what constitutes "value for effort" regarding the parameters of this one (affection? words? deeds? bow-chicka-wow-wow?) but the best guideline I can come up with so far is something like "it has to be something that I would otherwise not have done last year for no good reason" or something to that extent.
Project 2: Overhauling this thing. Let's face it, journal-blogging is getting kinda lame and repetitive after (how many>?) years and even *I* hardly get any enjoyment out of reading long-winded "here's what I did on the weekend" self-focussed reports of boring old me and how lame I think my job is or whatever other complaints are on the menu at the time. So I'm going to try something new.... hell if it doesnt work out it's not like I'm carving these words in rock.... and hopefully this strategy will find me the positive energy I'm looking for. WHICH is why I'm going to make this 2011 blog all about......
...."meaningful"!!! My old "disclaimer" at the top of the blog was focussed on how I write nothing of value (which I didn't really) and a lot of crap. So I'm going to do the opposite this year then, for lack of anything else interesting to supply other than yet another year full of "this is what I did today and here's how many beverages I consumed over the weekend". Really, who cares, and what insight am I going to get out of another year of that stuff ("yeah, ok, I get it, you liked to throw dinner parties when you were in your early 30s!!") when I'm 70 years old and getting my onset of dementia. (Which is why I do this anyway) So! I'm going to write each post about one thing MEANINGFUL that happened to me/is happening/etc that day or week or hell I don't have a regular blogging interval so who can say. It's kind of a throwback to one of the main themes of my favorite book of all time (Zen & the A.o.M.M.) about QUALITY, and what "quality" really means/does/looks like, etc. In fact, in relation to my lack of gumption here on this early side of 2011, Pirsig says (in Z&tAoMM) "what happens to someone who connects with Quality.... He gets filled with gumption"!! Not a small topic in itself... But anyway, if the things that are going on in my life are truly meaningful at the time of blogging, then that is what will make print, one at a time so as to truly concentrate *in words* on that one thing that I choose, and pay truely genuine homage to that one particular thing and nothing else - no rubbish and clutter. Just 1) what it is 2) why it deserves the label "Meaningful". Focus on one little good thing and then use words to realize that it is amazing in it's own right. Surely, I think, SURELY I can come up with ONE. MEANINGFUL. THING for each post.....?!?!
And then at the end of each, if there's anything amazingly otherwise-print-worthy, bullet points will be invited. Like Project 1 updates to be saved for posterity or something.
So there. My attempt at salvaging the rest of January (and 2011) from the post-holiday duldrums and poo-poo.
Labels: Meaningful
