In hindsight....
0 Comments Published by Oh Wayward One on 16 January 2006 at 1/16/2006 06:33:00 pm.
I guess it's silly that events such as going home for the holidays can affect one's head so much. Well at least it feels silly to me. But I think that's because I like to say that I don't care so much about anything, really. But then again, in fairness to my human tendencies, I don't go back stateside very often, and it IS a pretty big undertaking/event/happening when I do. For one reason or another, if even just the fact that I see people I care about, which I don't get to very often.
I feel like there's still so much that came out of a short 2-week stint, it's kinda trying to spill out in words so that I can
1) mull everything over, in a calm, organized manner now that I'm back to my "real life"
2) not forget.
I'm not exactly sure what I have to write about everything, but I feel like there's volumes there which I haven't quite yet come to terms with. And writing always helps, I realize.
Like for instance, my brother. J-bob. Bwudda-man. Dickhead. J-dogg.
He's a sad li'l guy right now. I have a hard time with this, because I still think of everything regarding J. in the "diminuative form". Like look, I can't even say "he's a bit depressed right now", rather, it feels better to write that he's a "sad li'l guy". I just can't see him as an adult and I know that I talk down to him for no good reason aside from the fact that he's just. . . . my little bro, J. And he doesn't necessarily deserve that, as a tax-paying, college graduate, fully employed 26 year old. Shit man when I was 26 I was married a year already. And quite the adult.... oh yes hmm sir I was so damned mature. (shuddering at youthful arrogance)
But back to J. He's not in a great space right now in his own head. Divorced at 25 (as yet still unforgiven by the parentals) followed by another Big breakup that wasn't quite a clean-enough break, hard time adjusting to city he doesnt like, never-ending turmoil with controlling/passive-agressive parents, work-related drama that he just can't shake, brand-spakin-new DWI, fairweather friends, money issues, etc. Mainly, I get the idea that he's just not "comfy" in his own skin at the moment. And the word "lonely" comes to mind. Man. I've been depressed before, I know it sucks. I probably need to take it that the guy is an adult, with adult problems now and I need to treat him like an adult. I can grasp that, I'm not an eejot, but it's hard.
I said (to him) a couple months ago that I'd be coming back to the motherland for 2 weeks, with one of those weeks designated strictly for Missouri. He promptly took all his holiday time that he had left, for that particular period. I think that's pretty nice of him. He did it to make sure we could spend some quality time together, as I had often noted (aggressively) that he hasn't spent 1 moment with his dear old sister WITHOUT EXCESS FEMALE BAGGAGE IN TOW, for over 6 years. The kid actually paid attention. Sweet.
So I got home, and there he was. With all the above turmoil in his life, he just needed me to hang out with him and listen... and/or NOT listen, maybe just drink beer & watch the Discovery channel. Whatever. And keep him from being lonely and sad. I guess you could say, a sisterly "distraction". And I wanted to, too. I mean, *I* was the one who'd been whinging for 5 years about how we never hang out anymore, how he wasn't "himself" anymore because of XYZ girl, who, additionally wouldn't let us have a proper "bro/sis relationship", how I never get to just hang out with HIM... so on and so on. Right, and here it was, a whole week to do just that - hang out & re-group as siblings. OK, so he didn't want to TALK about alllll the currently bad "stuff", he just wanted me to look after him for a week and help him FORGET about it. I felt so sorry for him. He's not an asshole, he's a good guy. He actually (I have a hard time believing this sometimes) paid attention those last few years in college and LEARNED a few things. Heck, he can even tell you a thing or two about art history, meteors, the lost city of Atlantis, and photography. It's amazing when I actually see him as a real. . . guy.
That week, I was amazed at how tightly he kinda... latched on. He would ask nicely if he could go out with me and my friends, even on totally-irrelevant-to-him gossip sessions. Wal-mart. The Bank. He even went on speed walks with me and the mancakes. (?!) I didn't mind it, in fact, that's what I'd been dreaming of all those 6 or so years we were estranged for one reason or another. But it meant he was sad. So I felt . . . bad. He just didn't want to be alone. Yeah, uncomfortable in his own skin. I see it now. Poor guy.
And here's the part where karma comes in... for most of the week, I was nearly always worried about making sure I could squeeze all MY needs into my limited days. Poor old J-bob was danglin' down around the region of Priority #10. I probably even referred to him as a liability or excess baggage at one stage or another (well not literally, probably just in my demeanor). I feel guilty now.
On the other hand, J isn't so much the analyser. His needs are pretty basic. (am I down-talking again?) He just wanted the company, and we got that taken care of. Plus some bonding in the meantime. Now it's probably just me, overreacting and ME putting myself in HIS situation and thinking "man that big sister should've been nicer to that little brother when she had the chance-- it could be years now - or never again". He's not really like that. He just wants to hang out and go to the bank with me. To avoid remembering that he's a bit uncomfortable and sad at the moment.
I guess I like him ok. I could've been nicer when we had the chance. Maybe I should give him a call more often...?
I feel like there's still so much that came out of a short 2-week stint, it's kinda trying to spill out in words so that I can
1) mull everything over, in a calm, organized manner now that I'm back to my "real life"
2) not forget.
I'm not exactly sure what I have to write about everything, but I feel like there's volumes there which I haven't quite yet come to terms with. And writing always helps, I realize.
Like for instance, my brother. J-bob. Bwudda-man. Dickhead. J-dogg.
He's a sad li'l guy right now. I have a hard time with this, because I still think of everything regarding J. in the "diminuative form". Like look, I can't even say "he's a bit depressed right now", rather, it feels better to write that he's a "sad li'l guy". I just can't see him as an adult and I know that I talk down to him for no good reason aside from the fact that he's just. . . . my little bro, J. And he doesn't necessarily deserve that, as a tax-paying, college graduate, fully employed 26 year old. Shit man when I was 26 I was married a year already. And quite the adult.... oh yes hmm sir I was so damned mature. (shuddering at youthful arrogance)
But back to J. He's not in a great space right now in his own head. Divorced at 25 (as yet still unforgiven by the parentals) followed by another Big breakup that wasn't quite a clean-enough break, hard time adjusting to city he doesnt like, never-ending turmoil with controlling/passive-agressive parents, work-related drama that he just can't shake, brand-spakin-new DWI, fairweather friends, money issues, etc. Mainly, I get the idea that he's just not "comfy" in his own skin at the moment. And the word "lonely" comes to mind. Man. I've been depressed before, I know it sucks. I probably need to take it that the guy is an adult, with adult problems now and I need to treat him like an adult. I can grasp that, I'm not an eejot, but it's hard.
I said (to him) a couple months ago that I'd be coming back to the motherland for 2 weeks, with one of those weeks designated strictly for Missouri. He promptly took all his holiday time that he had left, for that particular period. I think that's pretty nice of him. He did it to make sure we could spend some quality time together, as I had often noted (aggressively) that he hasn't spent 1 moment with his dear old sister WITHOUT EXCESS FEMALE BAGGAGE IN TOW, for over 6 years. The kid actually paid attention. Sweet.
So I got home, and there he was. With all the above turmoil in his life, he just needed me to hang out with him and listen... and/or NOT listen, maybe just drink beer & watch the Discovery channel. Whatever. And keep him from being lonely and sad. I guess you could say, a sisterly "distraction". And I wanted to, too. I mean, *I* was the one who'd been whinging for 5 years about how we never hang out anymore, how he wasn't "himself" anymore because of XYZ girl, who, additionally wouldn't let us have a proper "bro/sis relationship", how I never get to just hang out with HIM... so on and so on. Right, and here it was, a whole week to do just that - hang out & re-group as siblings. OK, so he didn't want to TALK about alllll the currently bad "stuff", he just wanted me to look after him for a week and help him FORGET about it. I felt so sorry for him. He's not an asshole, he's a good guy. He actually (I have a hard time believing this sometimes) paid attention those last few years in college and LEARNED a few things. Heck, he can even tell you a thing or two about art history, meteors, the lost city of Atlantis, and photography. It's amazing when I actually see him as a real. . . guy.
That week, I was amazed at how tightly he kinda... latched on. He would ask nicely if he could go out with me and my friends, even on totally-irrelevant-to-him gossip sessions. Wal-mart. The Bank. He even went on speed walks with me and the mancakes. (?!) I didn't mind it, in fact, that's what I'd been dreaming of all those 6 or so years we were estranged for one reason or another. But it meant he was sad. So I felt . . . bad. He just didn't want to be alone. Yeah, uncomfortable in his own skin. I see it now. Poor guy.
And here's the part where karma comes in... for most of the week, I was nearly always worried about making sure I could squeeze all MY needs into my limited days. Poor old J-bob was danglin' down around the region of Priority #10. I probably even referred to him as a liability or excess baggage at one stage or another (well not literally, probably just in my demeanor). I feel guilty now.
On the other hand, J isn't so much the analyser. His needs are pretty basic. (am I down-talking again?) He just wanted the company, and we got that taken care of. Plus some bonding in the meantime. Now it's probably just me, overreacting and ME putting myself in HIS situation and thinking "man that big sister should've been nicer to that little brother when she had the chance-- it could be years now - or never again". He's not really like that. He just wants to hang out and go to the bank with me. To avoid remembering that he's a bit uncomfortable and sad at the moment.
I guess I like him ok. I could've been nicer when we had the chance. Maybe I should give him a call more often...?
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