I officially decided it today: Tomorrow I quit my job.
I am so very, very nervous.... How the *&%$! am I going to sleep tonight?
Wish me strength for walking into A's office and saying the right thing that (a.) doesn't make me look like an ass hole for leaving the section in the lurch; (b.) is easy enough to come up with to say, that I don't get a stomach ulcer before 10:30 a.m.
I know I shouldn't be nervous-- I haven't done anything wrong and I have a damn good excuse (how many people get to use "moving to Botswana" without actually lying?) but I know that when they interviewed me I made it sound like I was in Ireland "indefinitely", and now it's been 2 years and I bail. I do have some guilt there. Is that what's giving me the shakes?
I also know the workload that will subsequently fall on PW and others' heads because of me bailing. Guilt again.
There is one piece of gossip I picked up on the way out the door tonight at 5:30 though: Ciara handed in her notice today, and is leaving basically around the same timetable as me. Not that she even works in my section or anything, in fact, A probably won't have even heard the news by the time I break mine... but at least I won't be the only one. And Greg is leaving too, next week. Tis the season to be bailing... fa la la la laaa la la la la.
I guess my fear is seeing A. slap herself on the forehead and do the whole "NO! NO! NO!!! NOOOO!!!" thing. Which will make me feel soooooooo bad. And I'm not speaking as a raging egomaniac, I just know what kind of workload I'll be leaving behind. That's all. There's the guilt again.
Then there's the temptation to NOT tell the truth about why I'm leaving. All the potential reasons I could give:
"Hannes got transferred"
"I was head hunted"
"My Irish visa got cancelled"
Not a good idea. Not a Quality way to quit. Just another way to shift the real deal off my wuss bag conscience... destined to bite me in the ass at some point, somewhere. I know better than that. I'm going to be in touch with some of these people for a long long time to come, and . . . well, especially in Ireland: People Talk.
There's also the temptation to use my resignation as a platform to air a lot of petty grievances, a lot of "well I'm leaving because I hate it that _______" or "I hate working with _______" or "you really need to sort this shit out _______, I can't work here any longer". But why would I do that? It's tempting (bad Self! BAD!) but what good would that come to? It's not my job to crusade against the things I'm choosing to leave behind. It would only stir things up and what I WANT is to leave in peace... I mean, that's why I'm nervous, right? Because I don't want it to go bad, tomorrow! So what good would stirring up shit do? None! I really have to remember that. Because the TRUTH is that I like my job and even with those grievances, it's a decent place of which I have only minimal complaints. I just have a habit of fighting unnecessary battles and beating dead horses unnecessarily. (Dually noted, Self.)
Man I hope I've covered all the issues-- I'm just hoping that blogging them out into the open will bring some sort of peace of mind and soothing of the soul. I really REALLY don't want to be awake all night. Just gotta go through the motions of how to not feel like crap.
Mantra for the next 18 hours:
I'm not doing anything wrong or underhanded.
I'm not going to use my quitting as a bitching and blaming platform.
I'm going to tell the truth
and every thing's going to work out fine.
I think I'll do it after coffee break, around 11.
Then I owe it to PW to let him know first. God I hope no one else is hanging around our cubicle tomorrow, I want to do it somewhat quietly.
Then the boys and I will go to the Chinese restaurant for lunch at 1pm, and I'm going to tell them, then. Now THAT's going to be the hard part. For a different reason, of course.
I am so very, very nervous.... How the *&%$! am I going to sleep tonight?
Wish me strength for walking into A's office and saying the right thing that (a.) doesn't make me look like an ass hole for leaving the section in the lurch; (b.) is easy enough to come up with to say, that I don't get a stomach ulcer before 10:30 a.m.
I know I shouldn't be nervous-- I haven't done anything wrong and I have a damn good excuse (how many people get to use "moving to Botswana" without actually lying?) but I know that when they interviewed me I made it sound like I was in Ireland "indefinitely", and now it's been 2 years and I bail. I do have some guilt there. Is that what's giving me the shakes?
I also know the workload that will subsequently fall on PW and others' heads because of me bailing. Guilt again.
There is one piece of gossip I picked up on the way out the door tonight at 5:30 though: Ciara handed in her notice today, and is leaving basically around the same timetable as me. Not that she even works in my section or anything, in fact, A probably won't have even heard the news by the time I break mine... but at least I won't be the only one. And Greg is leaving too, next week. Tis the season to be bailing... fa la la la laaa la la la la.
I guess my fear is seeing A. slap herself on the forehead and do the whole "NO! NO! NO!!! NOOOO!!!" thing. Which will make me feel soooooooo bad. And I'm not speaking as a raging egomaniac, I just know what kind of workload I'll be leaving behind. That's all. There's the guilt again.
Then there's the temptation to NOT tell the truth about why I'm leaving. All the potential reasons I could give:
"Hannes got transferred"
"I was head hunted"
"My Irish visa got cancelled"
Not a good idea. Not a Quality way to quit. Just another way to shift the real deal off my wuss bag conscience... destined to bite me in the ass at some point, somewhere. I know better than that. I'm going to be in touch with some of these people for a long long time to come, and . . . well, especially in Ireland: People Talk.
There's also the temptation to use my resignation as a platform to air a lot of petty grievances, a lot of "well I'm leaving because I hate it that _______" or "I hate working with _______" or "you really need to sort this shit out _______, I can't work here any longer". But why would I do that? It's tempting (bad Self! BAD!) but what good would that come to? It's not my job to crusade against the things I'm choosing to leave behind. It would only stir things up and what I WANT is to leave in peace... I mean, that's why I'm nervous, right? Because I don't want it to go bad, tomorrow! So what good would stirring up shit do? None! I really have to remember that. Because the TRUTH is that I like my job and even with those grievances, it's a decent place of which I have only minimal complaints. I just have a habit of fighting unnecessary battles and beating dead horses unnecessarily. (Dually noted, Self.)
Man I hope I've covered all the issues-- I'm just hoping that blogging them out into the open will bring some sort of peace of mind and soothing of the soul. I really REALLY don't want to be awake all night. Just gotta go through the motions of how to not feel like crap.
Mantra for the next 18 hours:
I'm not doing anything wrong or underhanded.
I'm not going to use my quitting as a bitching and blaming platform.
I'm going to tell the truth
and every thing's going to work out fine.
I think I'll do it after coffee break, around 11.
Then I owe it to PW to let him know first. God I hope no one else is hanging around our cubicle tomorrow, I want to do it somewhat quietly.
Then the boys and I will go to the Chinese restaurant for lunch at 1pm, and I'm going to tell them, then. Now THAT's going to be the hard part. For a different reason, of course.
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