Tired!
Cranky!
Irritable!
ROOOAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
OK so it's 1 in the a.m. and there I was all sleeping somewhat soundly, that kind of sleep where you're aware of what's going on around you (in the bedroom??) but you kind of work it into your dreams and aren't really alert or anything, still sleeping. And as usual I can hear the cow bells somewhere off in the distance and after what felt like hours of sleeping away happily I think to myself "damn, those are some freakin loud bells! It's like they're nearly.... here...!?" And with that I bolt upright and nearly fall out of bed trying to get to the window where I peek out the curtains and lo and behold by the light of the full feckin' moon, here comes goddamn Grandma Bessie and what appeared to be 135 of her closest relatives headed up my way from the swimming pool, straight for me! All CLANG CLANG CLANG-ing and within no time at all her big fat cow eyeballs are in my bedrdoom window and all her goddamn neices and nephews are spread out all over my lawn DONG DONG DONG friggin DONG-ADEE-DONG DONGing and Moooooing freaking and thumping their feet, starting to run around all confused and shit.
I was like SHIT! and I'm screaming the Mr. awake all "DAMMIT BABY DID YOU LEAVE THE GATE OPEN?!!?!" and he's all bleary eyed and totally confused as to WTF is going on, hasn't realized there's like, a heard of cattle storming around our garden because they've somehow gotten into our plot and can't figure out how to get out. Bastards!! Of course I'm freaking about the lawn, there's like, a shitload of cattle tearing it up and the feckers won't stop pooping... we're talking poop bombs that you most definitely can't scoop up with a mere pooper scooper... AAAAGGHGHH! And I'm so confused and half-asleep that all I can do is stand plastered up against the window in my barefeet and pajamas carrying on about WHO T F LEFT THE DAMN GATE OPEN?!?? Because if I want to go out and start running around screaming at cattle and swatting big fat cow asses, I'm gonna have to disarm the alarm, unlock the stubborn gate that takes me 5 minutes to get open on a good day at the back door, somehow manage to keep the cow-obsessed puppies from running out and eating themselves a few hundred servings of prime rib, and somehow find an escape hatch for these damn cattle in the middle of the bloody night!
Way too complicated. Far better to just stand in the window and go nuts.
So I figure I just file it in the "Too Hard" basket and get back in bed. . . CLANGITY CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG!!!! It's even louder now than before. So I get BACK up to go check out WTF is the reason for THAT, and lo and frickin behold there's now about 4 of them who've managed to GET INTO REGGIE'S PEN!!! This is like, a little corral that we keep him in during the day while we're at work now, that spans the entire length of the bedroom side of my house and I'll be damned if it's not now full of trapped calves!! F*** THIS!!! This means they could literally not possibly be closer to my ears if they were in my own kitchen!!! Again I'm freaking, and again I decide to stop carrying on like a crazy woman and go back to bed.
Ugh. The Mr. can sleep through anything, of course. Apparently that includes the sound of stampeding hooves on my newly manicured lawn, 50000 decible cow bells en masse, and the most talkative cows ever bred in Botswana (moo moo-ma0moo moo moo) having some type of freaking intellectual discussion about cud, less than 1 metre from our HEADS.
Meanwhile I have the worst night of sleep in ages and have a whole day of stress and rushing and deadlines at work to face.
Cranky!
Irritable!
ROOOAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
OK so it's 1 in the a.m. and there I was all sleeping somewhat soundly, that kind of sleep where you're aware of what's going on around you (in the bedroom??) but you kind of work it into your dreams and aren't really alert or anything, still sleeping. And as usual I can hear the cow bells somewhere off in the distance and after what felt like hours of sleeping away happily I think to myself "damn, those are some freakin loud bells! It's like they're nearly.... here...!?" And with that I bolt upright and nearly fall out of bed trying to get to the window where I peek out the curtains and lo and behold by the light of the full feckin' moon, here comes goddamn Grandma Bessie and what appeared to be 135 of her closest relatives headed up my way from the swimming pool, straight for me! All CLANG CLANG CLANG-ing and within no time at all her big fat cow eyeballs are in my bedrdoom window and all her goddamn neices and nephews are spread out all over my lawn DONG DONG DONG friggin DONG-ADEE-DONG DONGing and Moooooing freaking and thumping their feet, starting to run around all confused and shit.
I was like SHIT! and I'm screaming the Mr. awake all "DAMMIT BABY DID YOU LEAVE THE GATE OPEN?!!?!" and he's all bleary eyed and totally confused as to WTF is going on, hasn't realized there's like, a heard of cattle storming around our garden because they've somehow gotten into our plot and can't figure out how to get out. Bastards!! Of course I'm freaking about the lawn, there's like, a shitload of cattle tearing it up and the feckers won't stop pooping... we're talking poop bombs that you most definitely can't scoop up with a mere pooper scooper... AAAAGGHGHH! And I'm so confused and half-asleep that all I can do is stand plastered up against the window in my barefeet and pajamas carrying on about WHO T F LEFT THE DAMN GATE OPEN?!?? Because if I want to go out and start running around screaming at cattle and swatting big fat cow asses, I'm gonna have to disarm the alarm, unlock the stubborn gate that takes me 5 minutes to get open on a good day at the back door, somehow manage to keep the cow-obsessed puppies from running out and eating themselves a few hundred servings of prime rib, and somehow find an escape hatch for these damn cattle in the middle of the bloody night!
Way too complicated. Far better to just stand in the window and go nuts.
So I figure I just file it in the "Too Hard" basket and get back in bed. . . CLANGITY CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG!!!! It's even louder now than before. So I get BACK up to go check out WTF is the reason for THAT, and lo and frickin behold there's now about 4 of them who've managed to GET INTO REGGIE'S PEN!!! This is like, a little corral that we keep him in during the day while we're at work now, that spans the entire length of the bedroom side of my house and I'll be damned if it's not now full of trapped calves!! F*** THIS!!! This means they could literally not possibly be closer to my ears if they were in my own kitchen!!! Again I'm freaking, and again I decide to stop carrying on like a crazy woman and go back to bed.
Ugh. The Mr. can sleep through anything, of course. Apparently that includes the sound of stampeding hooves on my newly manicured lawn, 50000 decible cow bells en masse, and the most talkative cows ever bred in Botswana (moo moo-ma0moo moo moo) having some type of freaking intellectual discussion about cud, less than 1 metre from our HEADS.
Meanwhile I have the worst night of sleep in ages and have a whole day of stress and rushing and deadlines at work to face.
Oh man, that's the funniest damned thing ever. Ever. And that includes watching people from JC try to say they have class. BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
Dude, so who's cows?