My Year of Meaningful (2011)

I've been writing this post for months now. I put the framework together without trying to write out a nice introductory paragraph or any sort of build-up to the main ideas. Now I'm kind of in that "totally over it" state, so I'll just do a cop-out introduction in the spirit of "this is my blog and I don't give a flying &%$! about writing quality!" So here goes:


Owning a business with your spouse is pretty much fun, all around. Being co-workers that sit less than 3 metres away from one another throughout the day (8:30-5:30pm M-F plus overtime like, every day) can be very interesting and pretty entertaining. Especially when you have the best husband in the world (props to the Mr!!!). When that guy you sit next to at work is also your spouse and best friend and head of your household (aka "The Accountant/Manager/Logistics Planner/Maintenance Manager") as well as your colleague, then that bumps your relationship into a pretty weird realm, I'll admit. I know a lot of couples who think we're nuts. One of those couples is even my South African parental unit, who run a business together themselves. Interesting. Are we just really good at handling it, or are we fooling ourselves and setting ourselves up for a big disappointment down the road?

I thought I'd start with the pros and cons of doing this wacky thing. Obviously, being the general optimist that I aspire to be, we'll start with the pros.

Pros:

1. Always being together. Well that's pretty damn self-explanatory isn't it. We like each other and we're friends and it's cool when you're friends with your co-workers. Hell of a lot better than spending 9 hours of your day with a bunch of bastards that you hate. And believe me, I've done that before.

2. Reading each other's minds. If something's wrong, you're going to know. The alternative is when you see that one of your co-workers is moping around or not working to capacity and you have to guess why, or make some sort of assumption about what that person's issue is. Then you have to pussy-foot around that person or yell at them or "talk about it" or I don't know what - all I know is that if he's (or I'm) fed up with something or just mucked something up or is struggling with some issue, we're going to know what's up, instantaneously. For instance, as soon as an email comes in, I know if it's a good one or a bad one, and exactly how he's going to react. Normally I can even tell who sent it and what they want before we even have to talk about it. That's just kind of the way you're tuned into one another.

3. Understanding each other's profession. I used to hate it when I'd have to come home and face the whole "how was your day and what did you do??" conversation. Not because I don't like sharing or because I don't want my husband to be interested in what I do, but rather because I'd be fed up with the whole work-thing at 6pm, and it would just bore me to do the whole re-cap. Particularly having to re-cap with someone who may not even be interested, but would just be asking because he's a nice guy and so on. But Now, because all the issues we deal with every day are dealt with in the same room, there's no more of that whole "Well, I got this call from so-and-s0 client, and they wanted to know if I knew about such-and-such and..... blahhhhh". It all takes place right there amongst us, so there's no more of those "so what did you do at the office today?" conversations. I'll admit some people like that conversation, so in this case, this "pro" wouldn't work for everyone, I know. Me, on the other hand, I like to leave work at work.

4. Carpooling. A tree hugger like me is going to have to see this as a pro, no matter what. However it goes so far beyond that. It can't be just ANY carpooler and still be considered a "pro". I don't like carpooling with other people in the morning. First of all, I'm the world's worst morning person and I need my quiet and grumpy time until at least 9am every day. But for some strange reason that mainly extends to "those who are not my husband". I guess because he's just another appendage of me... like a 3rd arm or something. Not some external presence. You don't hate your arm in the morning, it's just... there. It knows how to act and knows what to do in order to not make you rip it off and run it through the food processor. On the morning drive to work, this is extremely important. A nice, peaceful transition between home and office. It's like you're bringing part of home along in the car, to the office, and it makes a nice segue between the two.

5. No BS. This one is pretty obvious, isn't it. Co-workers can lie to you. Spouses can't. Even if it's something as simple as "No, I'm ok, there's nothing bothering me today... I'm going to get right on that such-and-such job" and really meaning "I'm hungover, my boyfriend's going to kick me out and I'm so messed up I'm going to surf the net all day", co-workers are always capable of being full of shit or making up random excuses that bamboozle you. But not when you're married to them!!!

6. No awkward moments. I don't really know how to describe this one well, but let's just say I've been in a lot of awkward situations with colleagues in the past. Either because of some misunderstanding or because I can't read their minds or because something is going un-said between the two of us. I think it's safe to say that is rarely an issue between spouses. Any misunderstandings are obviously talked through with no barriers of shyness or timidness, because you're already an expert at verbally bashing out problems with each other. And come on now, what wife leaves anything un-said??!?? Nuff said.

7. Trustworthy co-worker. Hey, if you can't trust your right-hand-man at home, how the hell are you going to work with him? Particularly when it's your business and every cent that goes through the books is directly related to your financial welfare. This, to me, is just a non-issue. But definitely a "pro". (unless, of course, there's divorce in your future. now that's just a depressing thought, isn't it.)


It is likely that of all the pros listed above, the first one probably carries the most value. In this and other relationships, there were many times when I'd find myself in a huge kerfuffle at home where the ugly words "...and we never even see each other!" would pop up now and then, and then the whole snowball of justifying the need to stay late at the office to finish some deadline and getting all defensive about having to work late. Now, if there's working late involved, there's no way that "we never get to see each other" is ever a point of contention. So now, for the Cons.


Cons:

1. After-hours-shop-talk. Especially if you're married to The Mr. He loves to talk shop. Comes with the territory of being Dutch, I think. Sometimes we'll find ourselves at a swanky restaurant with a hint of romance in the air and a glass of wine in hand, when out of nowhere comes "So do you think we should put a tender in for that power station job??" or "When is your next progress meeting on the such and such monitoring??". AAAGHHH!! Can we not have boundaries? Is there no end to the madness? Well, as I've learned, when you have 8 hours a day worth of common ground that you've shared, it tends to (unfortunately) come up in conversation. A lot.

2. Complacency in politeness/courtesy. Let's face it. There's often an ugly No. 11 that appears on the stone tablets of commandments: Thou dost not always have to be polite to thine spouse. This tends to happen a lot in circumstances of severe pressure at the office. When you'd normally bend over backwards to show acquaintances and platonic co-workers your Happy Face, even in times of stress, or your panache for patience even when Rome is burning... sometimes this unwritten marriage clause kicks in, accidentally. Oops. I'm not saying it's right, it just happens.

3. No time to buy birthday presents. This one is short and to-the-point: When the HELL am I supposed to get a moment alone to buy your surprise pressie for you if you can see absolutely everything I'm doing!??!?! This, combined with the "new technology" my bank just put into place whereby all our transactions and purchases come in via text message onto the account holders' phones.... AAGHH! Well, after 2 years of dealing with this, I find there's only one answer: draw out small sums of money via ATM for a long time leading up to said birthday/anniversary/whatever, and make one of your out-of-office meetings "go just a wee bit over time".

4. Unusually high standards/nit-picky. Let's face it. You wouldn't have married them if they weren't unusually wonderful and nearly perfect in every way. So you expect that all the time, even in super-human situations such as workplace challenges. Of course everyone else in the world is fallible, but not someone who has what it takes to be your life partner and go-to man in life, the universe, and everything. Sucks to be you, don't it?

5. Extra added dependency. This, unfortunately is where the lines you draw between home and office begin to blur. You have a knack for depending on each other the other 16 hours of the day, why not the 8 at the office, too? "I need you to do this". "Can you just help me put this together". "Is there any way you can stop what you're doing and give me a hand here?" etc. It's just that whole taking-commonly-used-phrases from the home and transporting them to the office. Normally you wouldn't spring as many of those on normal co-workers as you do on the person you're most-used-to saying that to.

6. Fluent in the language of Evil-Eye. What more needs to be said here? Un-spoken words from the timeless Husband and Wife Telepathic Dictionary. Zingers from across the room or over the meeting table without a word being uttered. Sure it's great when you don't want other co-workers knowing that SOMEONE's getting the smack down... but it's also a horrible habit to foster, and really quite degrading and unfair to the office environment. Sure, maybe the other people in the building can't *hear*, but no one can deny the presence of bad-vibes in the immediate area. You're not fooling anyone, really.

OK, right, I wanted to have 10 of each to show that this was really balanced and well-thought-out, but as I said, I've been writing this for months and this is the best I can do.

I suppose the moral of the story is that as far as my circumstances go, this is a good wicket for me. And 7 vs. 6* isn't all that bad, as far as balance goes. I suppose the biggest overall Pro for me is the unlimited transparency that comes with being co-directors with the Mr. It's like all-seeing, all-knowing, all the time. OK that could be horrible if there were ulterior motives or conflicting agendas between the spouse-workers in question (i.e. if it were a boss/employee situation), but as we both hold the same position and do virtually the same job, I find it more helpful than anything. Especially for workplace dynamics. Would "teamwork" be a more appropriate term to use, maybe? Regardless, it is what it is, and I have no further explanation.

As for the biggest con, I'm gonna have to go with No. 2: Complacency in politeness/curteousy. My worst fault, in particular. And I guess just something that anyone/everyone can work on. I've been in the process of working on that for about 2 years now and it seems to be improving with only irregular backslides every once in awhile. Just remaining positive and not letting laziness creep into the way you treat other people is the main anecdote. Which is basically a good lesson to learn and practice in general, so I'm trying to use that as a catalyst to become a better person anyway.

THE END.

*Surprisingly Notable Omission (to most people, I guess): Cons don't include "no time alone". In my field there is no such thing as "time to one's self". It's an office environment and regardless of whether or not the people surrounding me are married to me, my job is not a place to go to be get away from someone. If I need to give myself a bikini wax or do something otherwise "for my eyes only", I can do it at home while the Mr. is on dishes duty or some European championship soccer match is on the telly. It isn't difficult to get "privacy" at my house. But that's just me.