My Year of Meaningful (2011)

So in only the 2nd time over the past week that I've actually had to go to the gym, this afternoon, I was finally able to get a minute or two to THINK, as I climbed "the stairway to nowhere" on level 12 for about 4 hours (or was it 15 minutes?). Good gravy. It felt like it was the first time I'd actually processed any thoughts in a month. My brain has been firing at top speeds for weeks now, but unfortunately it's been pretty thesis-centric and even though I can feel it (the brain) literally GROWING IN MY SKULL, it's not really all that spiritually fulfilling, I've gotta admit.

Anyway, I came to the realisation that if I had to count them out seperately, it seems that I'm living a life these days in which there are five distinct "labours of love" that I just can't seem to balance in any sort of quality fashion anymore (and hold down a more-than-full-time-job and raise a kid). They're things that really make me who I am, that I genuinely love, that I wouldn't be able to live a fulfilled life without, but at the same time that REQUIRE A SHITLOAD OF MY TIME, and are not EASY, and need to be WORKED at and given GENUINE ATTENTION. Which therefore make them labourous an not exactly the kind of walk-in-the-park, get-up-in-the-morning-and-it's-already-done-for-you kinda life-mojo. That list would be made up of:
(in absolutely no order whatsoever)
- fitness
- love
- academia
- music
- friends

(the Offspring not included since she's a wee human baby and has got to be looked after regardless of what I WANT to prioritize-- she also appears to be turning out just fine in her brain-hole and the baby doctor says there aint nothin wrong with her health so I must be doing SOMETHING right)

It's like whenever I am throwing myself into any one of those labours in order to eke some quality out of it (akin to what's been going on lately in the category "academia" where I have had to crank out a 15,000 word (that's 80 pages so far) draft for review which basically all my research over the last year and a half has gone into over the last 4 short weeks), everything else just has to STOP. And Suffer. My one-track mind doesn't have room for niceties anymore, thus love and friends suffer. My schedule doesnt have time anymore, thus music and fitness suffer. Or, alternatively, during the spells of my life when I really feel like I'm NAILING the whole friendship-maintenence thing... I'm answering all the damn blinky-blinky windows popping up on my computer screen, I'm uploading photos and frickin facebooking and blogging and checking other people's blogging and emailing and texting and phone-calling.... WHOOPSIEDAISIES, there goes that whole window I had set up for researching and going to the gym at lunch! And LOVE! Love! Jeeeeeez I can't even remember the last time that I was actually devoting as much effort into showing The Mr. how much I truly bluely eternally love him as I currently am trying to scramble to get FIVE MINUTES of banjo playing in between my morning pushups and my freakin' eternal struggle with Sherlock Holmesing down literature for my dissertation that (over the last few weeks I've learned) JUST AINT THERE.

UGH.

It's not even worth it trying to be the Jack of All Trades Master of None that I used to be, because all those damn trades still require TIME that I DONT HAVE, even to get to the mediocre, just-enough-to-get-by level that I always seemed to end up at.

I realized the only way I can stop feeling like I'm eternally letting myself down (which is how I feel EVERY time I look at my banjo, viola, piano, running shoes, weight, bookshelf, shelf of CDs, inbox of unanswered emails, dumbbells, unorganized photos, etc) is by just giving in and letting go of some goals. Which is a tactic that is just totally uncomfortable for me on so many levels! I would NEVER recommend to any of my friends "hey, just give up!". I would NEVER condone my daughter coming home and saying "eh, perservering with my life aims and objectives just ain't worth it". But I've really, depressingly just come to the conclusions that:

now is NOT the time that i'm going to form botswana's first & only bluegrass band
now is NOT the time that i'm going to start writing my autobiography
now is NOT the time that I'm going to commence training for my first half-marathon
now is NOT the time that I'm going to finish all those half-written songs building up over the last 5 years
now is NOT the time that I'm going to make a photo album of LJJ's first year and a half
now is NOT the time that I'm going to force my employees to take my self-penned technical writing clinic
now is NOT the time that I'm going to re-learn all the classical music I once played on the piano from memory
now is NOT the time that I'm going to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe for myself and start putting some effort into how I look
now is NOT the tmie that I'm going to try and salvage something out of the pathetic excuse of a relationship that I have with my sibling

Anyway, not one to condone any sort of "OH POOR ME" Blog, I better move on before this becomes a pity party.

In addition to all that is my current academic madness of the present (noteworthy fact: It will be over in Mid-november, halleluja) somehow I managed to socialize over the past 2 weeks. Beginning with The Mr's birthday, which was actually one of the days we were out in GHZ-town for work (but i spoiled him on that day nonetheless - there was wine and HIMYM marathons and a nice dinner etc), a couple weeks ago. We came back and straight away I threw together a braai (myself and my sous chef, Uncle A. who ended up staying with us for 2 weeks before FINALLY leaving for his trek up to wherever, found ourselves slaving away in the kitchen into the wee hours of saturday night - the same day I drove 8 hours across the desert at breakneck speeds to get back and COOK) for sunday. We had 7 friends around aside from me & The Mr. and it was a nice, semi-relaxing day. Semi-relaxing as being the hostess with the mostess is never THOROUGHLY relaxing. We set up the table out on the garden terrace and wined and dined as the sun went down and laughed and had an all around good time.

Our new friends from the Hash (we'll call 'em Doc and Mrs. Doc) who are an american couple our age that we really enjoy and have a lot of belly laughs with, invited us to go camping the next weekend which just happened to have 2 public holidays in it. We agreed and so did Uncle A. (one of the reasons he still didn't leave yet!!!) and so Thursday - Saturday found us all out in the Kalahari desert (again!) with no running water and 5,000 degrees and me slaving over a scorching fire. However, it was worth it because camping is one of those favorite pastimes of mine that I NEVER get to do anymore and it's also important to me that The Kid learn to rough it as early as possible so it was a must-have reason to not be sitting in front of my laptop writing. Didn't see much in the way of wild animals this time.... I reckoned it was because it was a public holiday weekend and all the beasts were in G-city driving around in cars looking at people. But we did see a few oryx, some springbok, a giraffe or two, blah blah.

The camping trip was actually not just us and Doc & Mrs Doc and Uncle A. Doc and Mrs. Doc's collegues + their significant others (2 other yankee couples and a canadian girl) also came along and they were all good fun. Me and The Mr. really enjoyed it and had a great time. Uncle A., the boy of two personalities, was in his cynnical depressive negative "space" (nerves about his trip to nowhere? angst over being single for over a year now? I dont know!) so as usual (well, more often than not anyway) everyone was stupid, everyone was lame, no one was funny, couples were resented, americans were mocked, the 17-month-old who just so happened to be cutting molars was "too whiny"..... UGH!!!! I really wanted to feed him to the lions, honestly. But I'm so stupid... I mean what did I THINK he would act like in that situation? Have I learned NOTHING from his earlier performances whenever we involve him in our socialising. The fact is, the child is a 26-year-old judgemental, anti-social, begrudging, sarcastic, unconfident presence of negativity and if the Lord God Almighty walked into the same bar as him, he'd find something cynnical and demeaning to say about Him.

Anyhoo, myself and The Mr. and LJJ and everyone else enjoyed ourselves, and I think Uncle A. probably did too, whatever that means for him. It was good to stretch our camping gear and flex our roughing-it muscles around these 1st-worlders and their need for "showers" and "changes of clothes" and "shade", etc. I showed them how to do pancakes on the fire and make my famous 7-hour lamb neck stew on the coals. Everyone enjoyed. S'mores were eaten. The days were roasting hot but the nights were still cool so sleeping in the canvas tent was fine. LJJ slept in the back of the truck and passed out cold both nights after wicked long days of having 8 new people falling over themselves to entertain her.

Last night we went down the hill to Jac & Mar's house for dinner. I was pleasantly surprised at Mar's pleasantness. She wasnt being as complainy and grating as the last time we had dinner with them. Which is good since now they're officially our neighbours and I really like Jac a lot... He's a good guy... definitely excellent marriage (not for me! just sayin'!) and friendship material She still doesn't drink or let it hang out or know anything about sex drugs rock n roll and belly laughs, but they're good neighbours to have and we will work on her. It was a subdued yet enjoyable weeknight evening spent drinking a few beers and dining beneath the stars and the giant marula tree in their yard.

Well, I am all out of steam. But parting bullet points that I would've written about had I had an extra hour:

- I would love to have enough time to rip some cds for my itunes.
- My kid says "Reilly" flawlessly but still insists on calling Billy "Dada"... whats up with that?
- Our fun Belgian friends from down the hill (K & H) have mysteriously flown the coop, and no one knows what happened/where the went/why they left... the landlord, his boss, US...?? An empty house and no note is all that remains! So mysteriousical!
- I dont know what else, I'm outta here.